After Apple

As I said, I will attempt to be funny this time around, or fail miserably trying. On with the show.

A hypothetical friend (hypothetical, as I have no friends, do not need them and do not want them – including you over there reading this page while scrolling through adultfriendfinder in another window and pretending to be on oversexed 14 year girl on Yahoo messenger) arsed me the following question.

“Why do you use a Mac?”

This is marginally better than the sage observation made by other hypothetical friends which goes, “Ah, using a Mac I see! Good for graphics!”. To which I would grit my teeth and imagine their reproductive organs being dipped in a pan of hot fat with owner still attached.

A positive view would be that they are sick and tired of using Windows and are honestly seeking information about the Mac. I’d buy that, but for the tone of voice being used, which sounds like the person asking the question is actually asking about my sexual orientation.

Why in the name of heaven is it so fornicating important what computer I use? I do not wear the same clothes you do, do not watch the same tv programs, do not eat the same food, do not drink alcohol, do not smoke. So this is quite mystifying.

I imagine my hypothetical friend to be wearing a slightly puzzled smile at this point. I sigh.

The simplest answer: I am an indolent illegitimate. Look it up in the dictionary. There’s one in Mac OS X.

My computer never sleeps. Whenever my buttocks touches a solid surface, out of the bag it comes, and away it goes. I’d connect to a convenient hotspot if there is one, and through my mobile phone if there isn’t. And after that, you, slightly less than intelligent hypothetical friend, do not exist, along with the rest of the mentally deficient barely human beings with which I have to share this planet with. I surf websites, read ebooks, look up stuff in Wikipedia, watch movies and video clips, and generally am one with the multiverse.

My hypothetical friend by now is thinking, you can do that with a Windows machine too.

No, you can’t.

The first thing that probably happens is that Windows would have detected a security update, and happily try to download it, which pretty much kills the bandwidth if I’m on a mobile phone. Next, I would probably have to update virus definitions. Little boxes would start appearing in the lower right corner, telling me i’ve got too many icons, and Windows would like to help me clear them, telling me that I’m connected/not connected to the Wireless network, helpfully informing me that my Ethernet cable is disconnected. Websites are an exercise in patience, what with the pop-ups and other dottle appearing on the screen, and Internet Explorer happily asking my permission to open windows about thirty times an hour. That is, if no spyware has made it through the unprintable excuse of Windows Security (nice little oxymoron right there). And at any time, Windows would step up to you and say “Smile! You have a General Protection Fault!”

Mercifully at times there would be peace without too many distractions. But the point is, as Forrest Gump puts it, you never know what you’re gonna git. The best part? Most Windows users I know consider this NORMAL and ACCEPTABLE.

However, the Mac does not do this. As friendly and familiar as bedding your wife, you know what she likes, she knows what you like and both of you feel calm, safe, secure. A woman of negotiable affection would be more exciting, sure, but look at all the pretty diseases that she left behind.

That’s the first advantage.

The second advantage is even better. Over at the StarBucks which I frequent, there would be many Windows users as well, and occasionally, one would saunter over and say that he/she has a problem with Internet Explorer/Outlook Express/Yahoo Messenger/wireless network/whateverpiratedsoftwarehisbestbudinstalled last week and would I take a look.

Cue big goofy smile, and say sweetly, “Uh, I don’t really know much about Windows, I use a Mac”. At which point Mr. Winwoes user would smile and look as though I’ve told him that I consume small furry animals for lunch. Or they might say, “Oh, Mac, good for graphics” first, before leaving.

Peace reigns, God’s in his heaven, all’s right with my world. And work gets done.

So to sum up, when I’m using my Mac, I feel calm, rested, peaceful and able to concentrate fully at the job at hand, until the battery runs out or the pressure on bladder and colon requires evacuation of either.

That’s why I use a Mac.

And I’m straight, by the way.